Imagination was given to man to compensate for
what he is not, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
Boys
are like mascara they run at the first sight of emotion. J
-
submitted by Courtney
If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll
get over it.
If you can't laugh at yourself, you might be
missing the joke of the century.
It's so simple to
be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and don't say it! -
submitted by Uran Berisha
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes to the
bone.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble,
delegate.
Our five senses are incomplete without the
sixth - a sense of humor.
The brain is like a parachute - it works best
open.
When you feel terrific, notify your face!
Live every day as though it's your last.
One day you'll get it right! - Zig Ziglar
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll
make an exception.
It's hard to fly with eagles when all you have
to deal with are turkeys!
When I was a young man, I observed that nine
out of ten things I did were failures. I didn't want to be a failure, so I
did ten times more work. - George Bernard Shaw
Remember that a person in love sometimes
mistakes a pimple for a dimple! :-)
The latest definition of an optimist is one
who fills up his crossword puzzle in ink.
Celibacy is not hereditary!
The optimist proclaims that we live in the
best of possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true!
Kiss often. Lips never wear out!
Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the
light.
We are all here for a spell. Get all the
good laughs you can. - Will Rogers
Don't be afraid to ask dumb questions: they
are more easily dealt with that dumb mistakes.
One good husband is worth two good wives,
because traditionally, things are valued by their scarcity.
The advantage of doing one's praising for
oneself is that one can lay it on so thick and in exactly the right places.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his
life to become known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
The only flaw I've found with being a good
sport, is that you can only prove you are one by losing!
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant
popularity of dogs.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
The chance of a buttered piece of bread
falling face down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Beautiful young people are accidents of
nature, but beautiful old people are works of art!
I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my
own way. - Margaret Thatcher
If everything is going well, you obviously
don't know what the hell is going on!
Never argue with a fool, people might not know
the difference.
Whenever you accept our views, we shall be in
full agreement with you.
Dust is a natural, protective covering for all
furniture.
Of all the things I've lost, it's my mind I
miss the most.
No-one's life, liberty or property are safe
while parliament are in session.
Whenever I feel like studying, I lie down
until the feeling goes away.
If you know someone who tries to drown their
sorrows, you might tell them that sorrows know how to swim.
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness.
Tell the truth. There's less to
remember.
I try to make the here and now as heavenly as
possible, in case there isn't one to ascend into when we're done. It's a kind of
insurance. - Michael Caine
(pardon the French) STRESS: The
confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic instinct to choke
the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it!
The reason Angels can fly is because they take
themselves so lightly.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening
to somebody else.
He deserves paradise who makes his companions
laugh.
A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he
is, tells you!
When it comes to doing things for others, some
people stop at nothing.
Among the blind, the one eyed is king.
Those who agree with us may not be right, but
we admire their astuteness.
After a life-time of learning, one begins only
then to understand how much there is to be learned.
The secret is to become wise before you get
old!
First you forget names, then you forget faces,
then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper
down! :-)
There has been an alarming increase in the
number of things I know nothing about! (we printed a T-shirt
for our Granddad with this written on it - he loved it :) )
If it hasn't been caught, it hasn't been
taught.
Experience is what we get when we don't get
what we want.
If you're going to be a bear, you may as well
be a grizzly.
If at the end of the day you feel dog-tired,
maybe it's because you growled all day.
The bigger a mans head gets, the easier it is
to fill his shoes.
You either make dust or eat dust.
There's always room for improvement. It's the biggest room in the house!
Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting
on men.
There's no need to do any housework at all.
After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse!
All progress is based upon a universal innate
desire on the part of every organism to live beyond it's income.
If you think before you speak, the other
fellow gets his joke in first.
Plant zucchinis only if
you have lots of friends.
